He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
