Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
