oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
