The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
