thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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