Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
