have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
someone owes me an orgasm
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Randomize
