i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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