She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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