Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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