first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
