Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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