Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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