I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
