the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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