If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
