mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
