the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
