She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
