I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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