life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
