I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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