i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
