well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
