I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
