Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I believe in your delicious
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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