Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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