Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
and she was petting her beer can
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You need a sexual gate keeper
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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