Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
