so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
