Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
