i don't like sucking hair
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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