so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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