Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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