That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize