so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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