So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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