why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
