Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
