I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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