come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
