my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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