a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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