i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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