I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize