hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
