Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
please come you make the beer taste better
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
