I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
