shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
