Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
