If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
