hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
