i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
