I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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