He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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