Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the condom got lost in my hair
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So squirting runs in the family.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
